The Story He Thought Would Disqualify Him with Courtland Warren

0:00I can see now why I would be so exhausted. I could see now why I would be so tired. And people would often point to the amount of hours, but I knew internally, yeah, this is more than just how long I've stood. This is more than inconveniences at the airport. This is more than a flight delay or a hotel not being ready when I'm when I get there to check in. I didn't have the words for it, but I knew that the exhaustion that I was feeling wasn't right. It wasn't right.

0:37This is what holds conversations with founders and leaders about the weight people carry and what becomes possible when they are no longer alone in it. I'm Carla Royal, your host. My guest today is Cortland Warren. Cortland is a speaker and a mindset strategist, and for more than 20 years he stood in front of rooms, more than 40,000 people working to change how they see what they're capable of. He grew up in Idabel, Oklahoma on what he calls the have not side of the tracks and built a path from there to stages in South Africa, London, and across North America. Most rooms get the polished version of Cortland, the certainty, the command, but I'm interested in the person underneath that. Welcome, Cortland. I'm glad you're here.

1:27Thank you very much, Carla. I really appreciate the invitation. And uh I don't know that I've ever had an invitation to be the unpolished version, so I'm uh I'm excited about that. I'm excited about that. I don't know how it'll go, but I am excited about it. Thank you very much for the invitation.

1:43You are so welcome. I have no doubt, knowing you, Cortland, that it will go very, very well. Tell me a little bit about what you've built and where your attention is these days.

1:53Well built. I've spent the last 20 years helping people create their own breakthroughs. I have, as you mentioned, facilitated tens of thousands of hours and rooms with entrepreneurs and moms and dads and business builders themselves. And what I've learned is that like most people, they don't need more information, Carla, per se per se. They don't need more information. In my experience, they need an interruption. And so what I've been working towards is being that positive interruption in the lives of people. For the most part, running on automatic, frankly, doing the best they know how to do, kind of a feeling that it can be different or better, but why disturb it? So for the last several years, that's what I've been doing, is looking to be a positive interruption in the lives of people. And more recently, I've been working on a project on AI plus you. Not because I believe AI is the replacement for all things and replacing people and all of that. I believe, though, it can be a faster way for people to make discoveries that lead them to really being their best selves.

3:09I love that. What I love about the AI plus you is that the you is very, very important. And so often with AI, we can see that people kind of step back from who they are and their brilliance and their creativity and their original thoughts and defer to AI. So I love the fact that you are putting those together, yourself and AI, and that you're showing a way for that. That's excellent. And the other thing I really love is how you talk about interrupting people, being an interruption on behalf of people. I think of that in my own work as that pause, you know, that space between stimulus and response, and how important it is for us to learn how to find that pause or that interruption is super important. So, yeah, really good, good stuff, Cortland.

4:00I think, Carla, in terms of like, as you mentioned, the pause or the interruption, the question that is, you know, a prevailing question for me, for my own life and for the lives of people, is who would you or who could you become if the stories that you've been carrying stopped making all the decisions? And for the most part, there's no real realization that there are these preconceived notions or interpretations about ourselves, other people, life in the world that's actually making the decisions. And so pausing long enough or interrupting them enough to first point out that that's actually what's driving you and not your authentic self is is a lot of the work that that I do and I know that you do as well. So I think it's pretty cool work and important work in the world.

4:55Yeah, it really is. I'm curious with what you see and all the different people that you've worked with, is that unconscious, those stories?

5:03Uh absolutely. It's you know, people they know that they've had a life and a life of experiences. They recall certain events, there's an emotional connection to certain things that have happened, both what might be considered positive and negative, but the depth of how those experiences shape beliefs, and then from those beliefs leads to actions, those actions produce results. So, in essence, we could say that our results are an expression of what our deepest beliefs are. And when I see people fighting so hard to get the next clue, the next tip, the next life hack, the next whatever, I see people working so hard, going outside of themselves, looking for the next program, process, framework, seminar, course. I see it. And I've led many of those trainings. And in my experience, most people are looking in the wrong place because they're looking outside of themselves. And in truth, the stories are the driver. And so the work to be done is really first identifying what the stories are and working with someone to redefine or reframe the interpretation of those events and experiences.

6:27And your work with people in that instead of them looking to you to give you them the answer or whatever, you're actually helping guide them back to something within themselves.

6:38Is that me like I'm Because listen, yeah, you know, because I I you know what's the Japanese wabisabi? It means perfectly imperfect, right? And one of the things that I have truly embraced is that I'm not perfect, but to find a love for and a fulfillment in my own imperfections. It's not about looking towards me or any other what I'll call guru. It's within. And that's where the genius really is.

7:08How do you see AI plus you? How do you see that working to help people find their own answers?

7:16I got a new word, Carla. I learned a new word. I had heard it, I had heard it before, but then I, you know, sometimes you hear a word, but you don't actually look at the definition of it, you right? And so that word is augment. And I heard an AI coach who was saying to me that there's a lot of garbage being produced by AI because that's what's going in. And um, she was pointing out that AI itself is a tool, it's a technology, only as good as its inputs. And she went on to say that, you know, AI is to augment a professional or skilled person. When I heard that, I thought, I'm not, I I've heard the word augment, but then I looked it up, and to augment means to make better. I I see AI as a way to make skilled people better, to make people better. Not because AI is doing all of the work, which you hear kind of promoted a lot, just have AI do it, have AI do it. It's what does it look like for a person like myself who's been facilitating for 25 years to one process that I'm in right now is taking transcripts from classes over the years and working with people, um, changing the names and things like that, but plugging that into the AI. And then it's been quite interesting to watch as AI says, well, oh, here's your process. This is what you're doing. Like I have been, it's all been in my head for so long that this technology is saying, oh, no, you actually have a framework. And so um what I believe it can do is I don't see, let's say, five years, ten years down the road, a person sitting through 30 hours of classes over the course of a week or weekend to make the discoveries that are still quite generic and more of a template. I think people want personally driven personal development versus being in a room with a thousand people. Here's my life, my life experiences, and what is the answer or solution specific to them? So a more customized approach.

9:40Yeah, I I I can feel myself pulled to want to go into a deep dive about AI, but I think that's not why we're here. It's not today. A lot of people who spend their lives moving rooms like you do end up carrying something off stage that the audience never sees. Is that true for you?

10:01Absolutely. Like 100%. And when I say that, I I think one of the biggest misconceptions about personal development is that teaching it means that you've conquered it. There is that expectation of the teacher, the facilitator, the speaker, through no request of their own. They're sometimes placed on a pedestal. If you're moving the room, if you're leading the class, if your name is on the marquee, then you've conquered it or mastered it. In my experience, I'll say this more often than not, what it means, if I'm teaching it, it just means that I've wrestled with it. It means that I have been in the struggle of it. And in some cases, may still be. So people do see confidence on stage, but they don't always see the years of me questioning myself, me doubting, me wondering if I am enough, you know, me looking to the sky and being like, why, why am I in this position to hold this? So I carry that. I carry that feeling of, am I a hypocrite? Am I an imposter? And I've found that it doesn't mean that I've conquered it as much as it means that I've been willing to face the fight of it and wrestle with it.

11:24It's interesting to me that people who are in your kind of role and in my kind of role are put on pedestals as if we have somehow transcended our humanness, which of course you know that we haven't. Somehow, people in our field, we're not expected to be so messy. And the truth is we do struggle. And as we with integrity and authenticity do the work and walk the talk, that's where we become useful for people.

11:56Right on.

11:57In that we can model what we are learning and where we're walking.

12:02It's and you use the word work, and that's that's one of the things that is important to understand for a facilitator, teacher, speaker, coach, is that position or role or title doesn't mean that you get exempted from the work. No one gets exonerated from the struggle. We don't get to we don't get a pass from doing the work. And I do think that because so much in the personal development industry is about attainment of things and lifestyle, and there is some kind of marketing play that goes along with that. I'm not so sure that facilitators and speakers and the gurus haven't actually created that that mirage of, well, having arrived, because in my experience, people appreciate the honesty, the vulnerability of what you went through, but they do want to know that you went through it. You know, they're not as open to it in my experience, they're not as open to it if you went you you got to it and then you quit. Like they do want to know that you went through it, you didn't just get to it and give up, and now you want to talk about it. I often say, I only teach what I've tested. And I I can point to specific places in my life where that concept, tool, or principle worked. I believe that the industry is stronger that way, and even if we're not talking about an industry, I always say I don't trust a coach who doesn't have a coach, and I wouldn't go along with a coach who didn't have a coach because I know that the work must be done, and no one gets to skip that line.

13:48I I couldn't agree more, and I think there are many people out there who are preaching the gospel of personal development who are not doing that work, and I think it is dangerous, and I appreciate that you are the real deal, Cortland. I really do. I really do. One other thing about the personal development gurus who kind of preach the material side of things, that if you do this personal work, then you're going to have more, be more, be more successful and so forth. I wonder if that I sometimes wonder if if they preach that in a way because it feels to them like a good marketing tactic, like people aren't interested in personal development if they're not going to get all the things.

14:33It is part of it is addressing what people say they want. And I think that a good business person feels the needs that people have. What's also true is that sometimes what I want isn't what I need. I want sugary drinks and lemon cake. I don't need that. You know, I want to stay in bed until 11 a.m. I don't need that, right? Now, who am I to say what a person needs? Well, I stopped short of that. I think the industry itself markets to and looks to fulfill the wants. And so if you ask a person, what do you want? A lot of times it is, well, I want more money, I want, I want to be able to travel, I want to be able to see the world, I want, you know, they speak to lifestyle. But at the end of that, there is what they're really seeking is a life of fulfillment, a life of knowing that they mattered, that they lived a life that was significant. And so it's those things we tend to believe will answer or allay the question, but it's just not true. It's not it's not true. And so I don't know if it's that they don't know or if they don't want people to know because the work that I do is more intangible. I can sell the tangibles of making more money, having this car, getting the boat, whatever. Those are the tangibles. What makes it difficult is it's the the intangibles. And so you can't see or hold in your hand breakthrough. And that makes it difficult. I haven't shied away from the challenge of it. I just recognize what the challenge is. And I'm honest with people in that you can have those things, and in having them, it's also possible to have a sense of significance and meaning for your life so that it's not wrapped up in the material things or possessions.

16:52Yeah, that intangible is very difficult to speak to and market to, quite frankly. But one of the things you said was, you want the lemon cake, so do I, Cortland. But it's not what you need. And I think there's a layer beneath that that there are parts of us that want the lemon cake, but the deeper, truer part of us does not want the lemon. I mean, lemon cake is fine. And and in moderation, of course, it's perfectly fine. But the point is that sugar, sugar, sugar all day long is not good for us, and that our deepest, truest self does not want that. But there are layers that are in the way of us connecting with our deeper self. And that deeper self truly wants us to be healthy. So getting beneath those layers that that say they want the sugar, I know for me, sugar is an addiction, and it's parts of me that want the sugar for comfort, for soothing, and that's legitimate. It's sort of like thinking that a super fancy car is going to give me fulfillment. No, it's not. And sugar is not actually going to soothe me beyond a few minutes. But the fact of needing soothing is true and real and good. And I need to find ways to soothe that aren't going to harm me. So that deeper layer is so important.

18:16It's like, as we would say, embracing all the parts. It's not diminishing the parts of me that want sweets and sugar, but understanding what that part of me is, and then also not being run by it. And for me, that's the distinction. It's not being run by it. In my youth, I might eat sweets all day, no vegetables. It's can I make the distinction of it's running me versus it's a choice that I'm making? And what I believe ultimately the work of personal development is about having the individual feel the sense of power and authority in their own life to say yes, to recognize a want, to recognize a desire, and then to at times delay it, delay the gratification, at times indulge and indulge in a way that is joyous and with excitement, but at all times knowing that I am choosing, I'm not being ran. And to me, that's a that's a very empowered place.

19:31Elizabeth Gilbert, who is a famous author, she wrote Eat, Love, and Pray, which a lot of people know that book. She talks about how every time she begins a project, that fear jumps in the car with her when she's ready to go on a new project, and that she used to be overcome by it and overwhelmed by it. And then she learned that the fear, she kept trying to get rid of the fear. She kept trying to get rid of the fear. And then at some point she realized that fear is just going to be there every single time. And so now she says, Look, fear, you're welcome to come along for this ride. You're welcome to be here in this car, but honey, you've got to be in the backseat. And that's what I hear you saying is that you're not run by it. I also hear you not banishing it.

20:14Mm-hmm. I yeah, that that that that took work and understanding because you know, you just so much of, well, don't think this way, don't think that way. And the more I attempted to not think away, I thought that way even more, and then I felt bad about myself for not being there yet. And um what did you say the author's name was Elizabeth?

20:37Elizabeth Gilbert.

20:38Elizabeth Gilbert. Yeah, I can appreciate that perspective of, no, like you can come along, just know that these are the parameters. Like I can totally get that and understand that for sure.

20:51Was there a point where the things you teach, the mindset, the resilience, stopped being enough for what you were carrying yourself?

20:59Yeah. I mean, it's stopped being enough for me from what I was carrying. I mean, mindset can take you a long way. I think resilience can take you a long way. I think being responsible for one's life can take you a long way. But eventually, I ran into something that wasn't a performance problem. I had gotten to a place where I could perform and it'd be mechanically flawless. So it wasn't about performance, it wasn't about producing results because I was able to do that as well. It wasn't even about my approach or strategy. It was more, it was pain. It was the pain of mastering a craft and still it not being enough. The the pain, the the disappointment of giving everything that I had and being very productive and yet a sense of unfulfillment. And in reality, pain, I like to say like pain. Pain doesn't always respond to motivation. Pain doesn't always respond to the you can do it. It doesn't always respond to go get them. And there are types of hurt that don't respond to you did a great job. Right. And so for me, there was a point where the pain itself, it wasn't that I had a lack of tools. It was that I was dealing with parts of myself that had learned to survive long before I knew how to thrive. And those pain parts of growing up on the west side of the tracks in Idabill, Oklahoma, it really did feel like there were the haves and the have nots. And in many ways, getting out of that environment was performance-based. Getting out of that environment would be based on my ability to adapt to different environments, different ways of thinking and being. What I didn't realize was that in the effort to kind of cover those things and get out, there was still the feeling of not belonging, the feeling of being unwanted, that feeling of being different or less than. Those were all pains that hadn't been properly dealt with. And so I couldn't outrun it. I couldn't outperform it. After a while, I'm left to face, kind of true up and face those parts of myself as well.

23:42How did you face it? And did you let anyone in?

23:45I sought counsel, I sought coaching, I learned about internal family systems and working with you, frankly, was uh huge. I mean, that was some of the best work that I that I ever did. But the how-to, the mechanics of it, goes back to what we were saying earlier about I thought that those parts of me that I was looking to grow out of, I thought that those were parts that I needed to get rid of, versus those are parts of me that also are to be embraced because they have a purpose. Those parts want belonging as well, that they have good intentions, they are well-meaning. So the the work itself through our work together and the real work itself was recognizing that as long as there were parts of me that I disowned, then I was doing to myself what I felt was being done to me. And until I recognized that it was about embracing all parts, then I continued to be in this kind of revolution, revolution, right? The same place all the time. And so I was revolving, not evolving, is how I like to how I like to look at it.

25:09Did you thank you for sharing all that, Cortland? Did you have a sense before you understood these parts of you and that they don't need to be kicked out or thrown away or banished? Did you have a sense since you had been in that world so long helping people gather the tools and the techniques and you yourself gathering the tools and techniques which you said have been helpful to you in many ways and you know are helpful to others? Was there a sense before you understood this deeper work that if you just kept looking, you might find that tool? Or was it something else like, I have the tools, I just don't, I'm not good enough to figure it out? Trevor Burrus, Jr.

25:43For me, the majority of time was spent feeling like I was doing something wrong. Feeling like there's there's got to be something I'm missing. Based on most of what I read and what I listened to, it sounded like everybody else was getting it but me. And that feeling of they're getting it, but I'm not actually fed or fueled the belief that I wasn't good enough, I'm not worthy, I don't belong. Because I thought that all of the tools that I had were enough, and that if I could just get these tools to work, then I'll be out of this and I'll be fine. So as long as I wasn't out of it and I wasn't feeling fine, I thought there's something I'm missing. I didn't feel like I was broken as much as I felt like, well, maybe it's I haven't put in enough time, or there was a sense of maybe it's just not for me. And it turns out that what I was working on and the the the approach that I was using, it would have never worked. Even what I was teaching, to be quite candid, even what I was teaching and facilitating and sharing with other people, when I look at it now, it would have never it would not have ever worked because its premise was about getting rid of what wasn't working versus seeing and owning, embodying it all. And so where I thought that there was something that I wasn't getting in reality, so therefore I wouldn't have thought that, you know, there was another tool if I could just figure out this tool. It was actually just feeding and fueling the parts of me that felt less than and diminished. I can see now why I would be so exhausted. I could see now why I would be so tired after a class. And people would often point to the amount of hours, but I knew internally, yeah, this is more than just how long I've stood. This is more than inconveniences at the airport, this is more than a flight delay or a hotel not being ready when I'm when I get there to check in. I didn't have the words for it, but I knew that the exhaustion that I was feeling wasn't right. It wasn't right. And upon discovering how important it is to own it all, there's a lightness that I started to feel. There's a sense of being re-energized. There's a part of me that started to emerge that had been there all along, that was excited. There was this childlike exuberance for just being able to come out and play and be seen and known and not being held captive. When I look back at it, I'm proud of who I had to be in order to carry that. But I'm I'm as excited to learn in my own way and through my own time that it was never a requirement that I disown it. And I think that can be said or it can be read, it can be taught. But for the individual, I think it has to be experienced.

29:41Really beautifully said, and thank you so much for your honesty. There's so many points I want to touch upon that you made. One is you didn't just accept these parts, you actually helped them. You actually also helped them and began to understand them and why they're there and then help to relieve them. And I think that is huge. The other thing is about the tools and how everything you read and says these tools will work. That's part of why I'm doing this podcast, Cortland, because I feel like there's so much stuff put out there that is supposedly going to be the answer, finally the answer to enlightenment or whatever the case may be. And I want people to see that we all struggle. And no matter how much healing work we do or personal development work we do, being human is a messy endeavor. And yes, there are ways that we can help ourselves support ourselves to go through these messy times in more of a flow or with a little bit less mess or with more support, but we can't get away from it. And so anybody who says that if you go through this personal development course or if you see this coach or that guru or this influencer, then everything's going to be hunky-dory, it's a lie. What I do know, and what you know, is that life can be incredibly fulfilling and exciting and maddening and good. All of it, all of it. What I do know is that. Is there a part of your story that you used to treat as a detour or didn't think counted that you see now really shaped who you became?

31:48Um, man, that's a good question. You you're I mean, you're you're throwing the questions at me here today, uh, Carla. For a long time. Yeah, for a long time, I underestimated my struggles. I underestimated what those challenges were molding, what they were forging. I treated some chapters of my life like they were just interruptions of a negative sort, like the disappointments, the insecurities, the moments where like I felt behind, the moments where I questioned my worth. I thought that the real story was about overcoming those things. That's that's what I thought. I thought the story was about overcoming. Now I think that the story is about understanding. The difference between the two to me is one, you just want to get it over with. And the other, you want to understand where is this guiding me? Or who am I becoming as a result? And so I would find myself in speaking to a group in South Africa or in London or in San Francisco for that matter. And I'm still thinking about the little kid growing up in Southeast Oklahoma in this very black and white town. I'm thinking almost like I got lucky and got here, but if I actually reveal that this was my start, then it's going to disqualify me. So early in my career, I fought to hide that. I never, I mean, you you know, early years, five, ten years in, no one heard about Idabel, Oklahoma. No one heard about these railroad tracks that divide the city east and west. No one heard about my dad left when I was four. No one heard about those things because I didn't see those things represented out there. I saw this lifestyle and this achievement and this accomplishment and this wonderful thing. And then I didn't see anybody that looked like me. So there was also that part. So I'm like, okay, I don't see, you know, a black man. I didn't see that. And so unbeknownst to me, it's like, okay, if you don't see anything that resembles you in the places where you're looking to go, then I think early on, a natural tendency was, well, okay, so I don't belong there as I am, but I want that. I want to make an impact. I want to assist people in transforming their lives, but I'm not represented there. So therefore, my early thinking was, then it must mean that I don't belong. So I was looking to become something else, become someone else, learn the skills, do the skills, and then do it so well that my entry would be there's no way they could deny it. And it didn't work. It didn't actually work until I might be standing in an all-white room of a couple of hundred people talking about growing up on the west side of the tracks in Ida Bell, Oklahoma, this black and white town, and da-da-da-da, going through the whole thing, and people were just like enthralled. And what I realized was that it wasn't that they were enthralled because of my story specifically, because my story specifically may not have been theirs, but everyone has had the feeling of being someplace and questioning if whether or not they belong. That might be in a boardroom, that might be anywhere, right? The feeling of people can relate to the feeling of having a goal or a dream and wondering if whether or not they're good enough to bring it about. And so my story was just the container that my feelings emerged out of. But someone else could feel that. And it helped me to see that on the other side of the tracks, there were still people who had that feeling. And then I realized that there was judgment on my part because I'm like, well, how can you feel that? You didn't have to go through X, Y, and Z. And so I realized that what I thought was being done to me, I was subjectively doing to other people by not maliciously, but yet diminishing their life experience. Because, well, if I, if I had had what you have, then there's no way I would be here, but said differently, if I had started where you started, I would be so much further than where you are. That's like super self-righteous. I started to see that. I'm like, oh, wait a minute. No, my it's not for, I don't tell it for sympathy. I don't tell it for like, oh, woe is me. It's not even like a rags to riches. I just say, okay, here's what I thought. And here are the events and experiences that shape that. And I only share it because I'm also a testament to it doesn't have to continue to be that way. You can do something about it. So that's the long rate around saying, yeah, I've had that feeling.

37:32I love that. It sounds like initially you started by, I'm going to become somebody that will be accepted. And then at some point you recognize, no, it's who I truly am and my humanity that connects me to other people. And we all have this humanity and we have different experiences and different circumstances, but we all do share that humanity. And that's where you started becoming this incredibly powerful speaker and facilitator and leader was when you connected with people on the level of humanity. And that does, in fact, move people. What has held you all these years?

38:12I had a feeling that question would come up. And at first I was like, what holds me? And I'm like, okay. And I was thinking, well, this is what keeps me grounded, da-da-da-da. But in reality, I have a different understanding now of holds. I'm held by insecurities. I'm held by feelings of not good enough. I'm held by feelings of, have I done enough? I think the one, the big one that holds me is, am I a threat or not being a threat to um to the world? I definitely realize that so much of my conditioning by my mom, who I love dearly, was justifiably out of fear. And what she wanted was raise a son who survived. My grandmother's deceased now, but when my mom speaks of her, she so often talks about I'm so glad my mama got her dream when she would pray at night, and we would all have there were nine of them, we would all have to pray with her, we would all pray with her, and her prayer was always, Dear Lord, just let me see my kids get grown. And I think about dreams that I have now of like travel and all the things, and I'm like, what does it say about what she had seen, my grandmother? What does it say about what she had seen to have it be that her deepest prayer and wish was that she lived long enough to see her children become adults? But when you consider the world that she had seen, and I mean she died when she was 94, so the world that she had seen didn't guarantee that your son becomes an adult. That was a tough one. But I realized that from that, my mom essentially took on the same prayer. And so so much of my upbringing and conditioning was about here's how to be, so that you survive. So a lot of my yes ma'am and no ma'am, yes sir and no sir, my dress and appearance, it wasn't even as I understand it, it wasn't about professionalism as much as it was about so that you don't appear as a threat. And so when I think about what holds me, I recognize that a lot of the work that I've done and the people that I've done it with, I've done so sometimes more timid than I could have, sometimes more reserved than was warranted, and sometimes frankly, just holding back all together because I don't want to be intimidating or a threat to an owner or leader or whoever's organizing the event. And when I consider that, I know now that that's not something to beat myself up about. That's a part of me that also can be held, and as Elizabeth Gilbert said to fear, I can take those parts of me and say, hey, you can come along for this ride, but you're gonna have to sit in the back seat. Maybe even be in the trunk. That feeling of having to prove that I'm not a threat would mean that at some level I bought the idea that I am and what I know now is that my authentic self is threatening, but mostly it's threatening to the parts of a person where they've started to believe that they were not capable of more, and I want my experience with them and my interaction with them to be one in which when we part ways, they believe in themselves more than they did before we met.

43:42I am so sad that we are coming to the end of our time because I think that is the richest part of this entire conversation. And I would love to have another hour with you to dive into it. But I I do want to just say a couple of things. You're saying basically what has held you is your Protective parts in a way that you gained from your grandmother who saw things I certainly have never seen from your mother, same thing, and cultural things. And the truth of the matter is, Cortland, part of the message that you got was certainly true in this culture. It has been and still is often dangerous to be a black man in this culture. And you have to think about things that I don't even have to even consider as a white woman. And that is very real. So some of what you've done to appear less threatening has maybe, in fact, actually and truthfully saved your life. So it has held you in a way, some of these messages. And most of these unconscious messages or clear messages that we get in our lives, they are an attempt to protect us. Sometimes it's misguided and sometimes it's not. And we want to come to a place where we learn how to protect ourselves in a way that's appropriate for us where we are in our lives today. That's the work that you've done so beautifully. And that's what I hear you saying now, that what is, and don't let me put words in your mouth, so tell me, that what I hear you saying now is that more and more you're learning that what holds you is your true self, your essential self, that self that is clear and can see what is needed in the moment and that knows how to protect yourself in a way that is supportive of you and helpful to you now. Is that accurate?

45:36It's very accurate. I'm held by the truth that is a knowing that my authentic self, my essential self, I believe is chosen, is protected, and knows the truth of my being. And so when I allow or permit that essential self to express, then I feel loved. I feel worthy. I know that I am deserving. And perhaps most importantly, that my essential self belongs and has something to has something to contribute that is of value and that can and will outlive it will outlive me, the contributions that I make.

46:37Nicely said. What would you want them to know?

46:50First, I want to say thank you to them. Thank you for answering that call in your life and on your life. Thank you for not running from the responsibility of having the world be a better place because we lived here. And I would also have you know that you feeling tired is not a sign of weakness, that you being exhausted is not a signal of defeat, and that as important as the work is the rest, the recuperation, the ways in which you refuel and take care of yourself for the next sprint or run is important because if you don't do those things and you're not here, then that's work that doesn't get done. So be not ashamed of your desire to rest, but also know that the work that you've taken up is honorable and you're worthy of bringing it about.

48:17Thank you, Cortland. How can people find you?

48:20Most easily you can just email me um at Courtlandwarren at gmail.com. But if you want to see more about what what I do and what I'm about, YouTube, my CortlandWarren YouTube channel, and then Facebook and Instagram, Courtland is C-O-U-R-T, L-A-N-D, W-A-R-R-E-N. Look for me, I'll look for you, we'll find each other when it's right.

48:49Cortland, it has been an absolute pleasure and honor to be with you today, sir. Thank you so much for being here and being your authentic real self.

48:59I really appreciate you, Carlin. Thank you for the opportunity. You know I love you. I appreciate how you've helped me grow. And um, you're one of the most influential people in my life because of the work that you've helped me do. So I'm grateful. Thank you so much.

49:13Thank you. I love you too, Courtland. If this conversation brought someone to mind, send it to them. That's how a new show like this reaches the people it's for. I'm Carla Royal. I work privately with founders and leaders on the things underneath what they are carrying. You can find me at Carlaroyal.com. This is what holds. I'll see you back here next time.